TW: Suicide & Depression

If me and my best friend Gina are gonna do one thing in this life it’s gonna be make a joke. The world could be ending and there we go with our dry humor laughing about something that’s probably not funny. I mean its bad with us and I always tell her “One day we will learn not everything is a joke”. Lucky for us that day has not come yet and so far everything has been a joke. We even joke about our depression, drugs as our coping mechanism and I like to throw in my antidepressants for a lilrazzle dazzle. It helps us get through this ghetto ass thing we call life sooooo much easier. That girl right there is my right hand and I’m so thankful for her because not many people get my jokes like she does and not many people can make me laugh for hours like she does. Of course we have our moments but I wouldn’t even trade her for a Popeyes chicken sandwich. That girl has a piece of my heart forever. 

Lets rewind to what we are gathered here today to discuss though. Like your fave aint shit n*gga I speak to a lady. Well I’m so f*cked up I speak to two ladies. Two beautiful strong black women who are helping me gather my life. This shit so ghetto though I might need a team of 20 ladies. I have my psychiatrist and my psychologist. One is my talk therapist and the other prescribes me medication. Generally when I tell people that the reaction I get is that “ I thought that was some white people shit”. Yet I’m a black woman and here I am in therapy on antidepressants so you thought wrong stinkkkkk. Now like your fave basic BET movie intro “ I BET YOURE WONDERING HOW I GOT HERE” and I’m gonna tell you.

So it all began with a Nigerian Taurus. Just kidding. Kind of .Not really. I’m not sure if he was the first domino or the last domino to fall if we are being honest but all I know is one day I woke up and all my dominoes were not only on the floor but they were shattered. It felt like every single time I tried to pick them up they would break more and so I sat on the floor with them with tears rolling down my eyes. Nothing was going right and I couldn’t figure out where to go next. I had to scrape enough energy to attend class every day or to go to work and speak to my coworkers. I was less than enjoyable to my friends and when I was home I sat in the dark. I woke up one morning and decided I wanted to be happy but then my day went to hell. It was the day when you’re leaving and your shirt gets caught on the door handle and I was at my wits end it felt like I could not win. I decided I was destined to lose and I decided I wanted to die. I contemplated ways to take my life sitting on the floor while my mom called me over and over again. I ignored all of her calls and filled out the forms for my psychologist just to have something to do while I mulled over how I was gonna do the deed. Finally it came to me that I wanted to be the person who saves someone’s life who gets to hear their story like my psychologist would be for me. I finally answered my mom’s call and she first let out a sigh of relief before she started to sob uncontrollably just glad that I was still here.

I knew I had to do something and fast. I had always been very weary of medication as I have been in a psych ward before and there they drug you up so fast that you don’t even know what day it is but I feel like I was under a dark cloud and I wanted to get out so bad. I was so depressed it physically hurt and I just wanted the pain to stop. I looked for a psychiatrist too and I found one with an appointment the same day as my psychologist. CHECK ME OUT!

Now let me tell you I was expecting an easy fix. I was expecting that they would come in and fix my life the first three minutes and that is not at all what happened. The antidepressants kick your ass before they work. They may not even work for you and you may have to swap them. Girl I was looking at the doctor like she was speaking Cantonese when she told me that. Lucky for me my hardest side effects came hard and fast and then they were done. I remember asking how would I know it’s working and she just said “ Oh you’ll know”. Well, one day I was on the treadmill and I swear to y’all it was like the skies opened up and the sun came out. It was like the clouds went away and the depression wasn’t heavy anymore. I didn’t hurt anymore. However there is one con that I do have to tell you guys about because I am very real with y’all. My only complaint is the emotional blunting and that just means that I don’t feel emotions. If I’m drunk then yes I feel sadness, anger, etc. but otherwise things do not phase me. Which is very weird because Im used to being an emotional person and feeling things very deeply so do I know if its worth it? I have no clue yet. I am truly still getting used to that one. I really don’t have many other side effects thank god but that one I do have to decide if its worth it or not. It has definitely made life easier to live but it also makes life very weird to live. Sometimes I feel as if something was taken away from me but maybe it’s just my fear of change scaring me. I’ll give it some mire time for me to get used to.

My psychologist I got used to right away. She is a doll and I love her to death. I still have a long way to go with her too and honestly that’s a whole other blog post but listen if you’re thinking about getting therapy. I 10/10 recommend. We are all a lil f*cked up and could talk to someone about what’s going on in our lives. Our journeys to becoming better people are lifelong journeys and I for damn sure backtrack all the time but I get up and keep on going. I really do want to thank the village of people who are there for me because at one point I didn’t have the strength to hold on for myself anymore and they really gave that to me. Mental health is such a sensitive but important topic and it needs to be discussed more. Even now, I’m much happier but life is still beating my ass. I find one thing to hold onto each day to keep me going no matter how small. I’m always a listening ear if any of you ever need it. ALWAYS. Remember if it feels like it won’t get any better you have a purpose and you deserve to be here, hold on, I love you.

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