Let me start off by saying that I am in fact, not one of Gods strongest soldiers. I didn’t even sign up to go to war. I want god to know to stop fucking playing with me, dead ass because its not funny anymore. I’m going to be so brutally honest with y’all and myself right now that it may hurt. I was going to wait to write this but fuck it we move.
So y’all know when it rains it pours and what I mean by that is when one thing goes wrong everything goes wrong. So my aunt passed away and I felt like breathing got a little bit harder, school was beating my ass and it still is if we are being honest. Then the straw that broke the camels back is that while all of this is happening the guy I was dating left me. He left me in a way that made me want to lay down in the spot that I was in and die. You know why ? Because men are terrible.
The way my PTSD was triggered was crazy because I had already gone through this before. When times get tough for me, men are not reliable. One of the worst things you can do to me in my eyes is to leave in my time of need ESPECIALLY when I’m there for yours. To add to my pain when I tried to take yours away is absolutely despicable to me.
Now before I say what I have to say I will admit that for a long time I felt like I was undeserving of love and finally I knew that in fact I was not. I felt like someone could love me for me regardless of how wild and crazy anyone else thinks that I am. I liked having someone to talk to everyday and someone to tell my stories to. It felt great.
But on to the reality of it all. I would pay money to erase the memories out of my head because now I’m devastated. I can’t get back the time and energy and love given out. I was the most open and respectful that I ever was. I saw different so I gave different and in the end he tried to blame me instead of telling me what it really was. Instead of saying I don’t wanna talk to you anymore, he tried to make it my fault. He literally told me it was my fault and I sat there beating myself up so bad over it. In fact it was not my fault, it was his. Whatever he has going on I was dragged into it. I am not a toy that you can play with and then put back on the shelf when you are done.
The absolute best part is I don’t think he understands what it was that he did because people do things that are beneficial for them. Especially men, and that is a trait that I would love to possess. He told me that he didnt want to have a conversation with me because he didn’t need me to play the guilt card. When in actuality he should feel bad, he should feel horrible. He is in fact a piece of shit and one day I hope I get to punch him in his face. Im actually hoping that this time around I learned my lesson. I have been hurt before but never like this. This was new and different heartbreak.
At one point I couldn’t understand how someone could ever see this man as a bad guy because I saw him with rose colored glasses. The fact that he made me unsure of myself as a person and as a woman is absolutely disgusting. I know it would take a lot of work for me to trust another man. I know it would take a lot of work for me to even allow another man into my space because honestly I am terrified now. I’m scared of this again and I cannot do this again. It still hurts every single day and every single day I wake up and pray to forget these past six months. I pray for my heart not to ache anymore, for my chest not to feel heavy and for me to find joy in life again.
I have never in my life met someone so disgusting and evil. The switch up was something out of a movie. So much replays in my head and I wish it would stop. The good but especially the bad. The way that he spoke to me, the way that he dismissed me like when a child is done playing with something and they just drop it and pick up something else. That’s why in my next life I want to be a Birkin, maybe a mango because this human thing is ghetto. If I absolutely have to be a human make me a man with money . I don’t wanna be a woman next time. I don’t wanna feel, I don’t wanna love, I want to care about me and that’s it.
Thinking back my pain ends up being my fault and I just want to take this time to apologize to myself. You cannot date the same man over and over again and expect different results. I say it time and time again but apparently I never learn. I absolutely did not mean to end up in this predicament but I did and I am going to have to use it as a lesson, a learning experience. I’m still trying to see the lesson from all of this clearly and I’m still trying to put it all into perspective since the wounds are fresh , they are still bleeding and haven’t healed yet but when they do I will let y’all know. I really hope I get to be an exclusive , hard to get Birkin in my next life though, that would be fun.