These Are My Confessions

These are my quarantine confessions.

I hate living upstate. I hate my job. I hate the weight that I’ve gained. I hate quarantining. I hate being so sad and angry all the time. I think about how my old life and self, seemed to have been snatched away from me last year all the time. I’ll be laughing and then Ill randomly have a moment where I remember the way I felt when I got fired from my job, when I slept in the house for the first night officially and cried myself to sleep. I think about how I would have been a mother this past May, had I not lost my baby (probably a lot more than I should). I think about what the baby would have looked like and if I would have been a good mom and if I can even have babies. I hope I can, I pray to god that I can I want to experience that love again one day because that attachment was wild. Even though black women are 200% more likely to die during child birth thats a love I would absolutely risk my life for. I think about the fact that my old job and my old nigga did not have to do me like that. Alot of niggas didn’t have to do me like they did and Im still sad and even angry about it. I miss the girl that I once was. Cause this new bitch I honestly dont even know who she is.

I hate the weight that I’ve gained. Body Dysmorphia is kicking my ass.I want my old body back even though that body was built on starvation and sadness, it was also built on hard work and discipline. I have turned the mirrors in my room around so I don’t have to look at myself. Before this I went to the gym everyday and I lived a simpler life and I was going through my own quarantine before Corona Virus was a thing in the states. I channeled my anger into that body and I focused on myself and my hair and my makeup and I took pictures and I was working on being a happier better person. I mean til this day I dont know how I did a lot of the shit I did. When I lost my job I didn’t get unemployment because my job fought me tooth and nail on that. They appealed me four times for two hundred and fifty dollars a week and even held a hearing on Christmas Eve because they’re demons. I kind of want my old life back even though this one is healthier for me. I wanna go outside, I miss my family and friends so bad. I really just want to see the people I love and hug them. My friends are real life comedians and they make me laugh in texts but I wanna see their beautiful faces and be in their presence and have human interaction with people I love. My family is so important to me. I learned that later in life than I should have but I learned it and I want to see them and love them and make memories with them and I hate this shit so fucking much. In this time I have had two people pass away and I was unable to attend both funerals and it is tearing me up. I feel like I fight depression off daily. At this point I dont even know if I’m fighting it off or if it already has me. I’m going back to school next semester and I have no idea what I want to do in school still. Time is passing me by and I’m still very confused. I feel like I’m getting old and I still don’t have a clue what the fuck I’m doing. I haven’t done my hair, nails, eye lashes or nothing in months and I feel ugly. I cried before work the other day because I hate it that much and it surprised the shit out of me because I can’t even cry anymore. That was the first time I cried in months and it was so weird because it didn’t even feel like it normally does. I feel like I was once so sad that now sadness doesn’t affect me or maybe it’s apart of who I am. Maybe it’s that I was so sad before I tell myself well this isn’t so bad even if it is and don’t allow myself to feel anything.

Things are becoming heavy and I have no idea what to do. I want to put some of it down because I know myself and I know its not gonna end well. I like to let things build up all different things until I cant take it anymore and I crash and I hit rock bottom and I have no choice but to build myself back up again. Its my toxic trait. I have been feeling everything so strongly recently and I’m so mad because things were going so good that I was waiting for them to go bad and technically they’re still going good but my happiness has subsided. I had such a good business day the other day and I felt nothing. I felt no happiness and I felt no sadness. I felt tired but I know myself and tired is another meaning of depression for me. I dont know if maybe I can only be happy for so long, maybe its the quarantine or maybe its just me. I want to be better and I want to do better. I signed up for therapy online but I didn’t like it, I like to talk it out either in person or in my writing. I want to find a sense of peace and happiness and I want success. Thats it. Nothing more, nothing less. I really dont know if I have gotten better as a person but what I do know is Ive changed thats for sure. I dont really care about things anymore. People can come and people can go and I’m just like ok . . . . I feel like I’m just existing, its very weird.

I want to like my job but being a black woman in a predominantly white work space is stressful. Now try being a black woman in a predominantly white work space during a race war where the white people at your job are completely ignoring the fact that there’s anything going on outside. You have to shake off the worries of your home life and the literal image of black men and women being killed and make the damn near impossible deadlines that they expect of you with a smile because again you’re a black woman in a predominantly white workspace. The other day my manager told me “outside is open” in regards to my hair which was in an Afro. He meant to get it done. In his eyes It’s not work appropriate, he wants this shit straight. Y’all I ALWAYS have something to say but I was so shocked I shut the fuck up. I wanted to tell him OUR people are being murdered and you’re worried about the way the hair is growing out of my head. Mind you I’m already not feeling pretty. Don’t get me wrong I accept the hair that grows out of my head and I love every single coil even the heat damaged ones but that shit was for the birds. I’m so unhappy at that place but I keep telling myself that its a blessing and I’m making good money, providing for my business, buying what I want, fixing my credit and not everybody is able to work right now. Yet I find myself depressed every Sunday and I find myself mentally and emotionally drained at the end of everyday.

I would love to fall in love. I really do love love. Im 27, and in todays society where people make it seem like if you’re not a millionaire by 21 and married with kids by 25 you are late to the party I actually do feel like something is wrong with me that I’m single. However, I am also not interested. I got some things to workout first and I am also utterly scarred by men still. I am still truly disgusted. Its not as bad as before where I wanted them all to die but its still pretty bad where I just want to be left alone. I think everyone is out to hurt me and I wanna deal with my issues and get myself in a certain mental space before I get back out there. It doesn’t mean that I dont sit and think like wow I dont have nobody and I’m getting older, what’s wrong with me? Cause I absolutely still do but then I remember I’m focusing on me and I have things to work on.

Plus I still think about my ex more than I should I think about the dumb shit we used to talk about and how happy I was when we were happy and the attachment that I had gotten used to. The dumbass conversations about who was the better artist Drake or Chris Brown and how we could debate about it for hours, when he would send me songs because I love when people send me songs, memes, tweets, anything that makes them think of me. It literally warms my heart. I like it more than any monetary gift that anyone could ever give to me. Everyone in my life who is important to me does it. I miss the beginning of the relationship where we were friends and we would talk about any and everything and fall asleep on the phone and wake up and still be on the phone. I miss the encouragement that we gave to each other and when he finished his work how he would send it over to me proudly to see if I liked it. Yeah, I had never had that before so I really enjoyed it. I dont miss the fact that he did the worst thing I think someone can do to you in a relationship. When I was younger before I was ever in relationships myself and had only seen them on tv, I thought the worst thing someone can do to you was cheat. Now that I’m older to be honest I can take the cheating because in my mind I think all men cheat. I think the top two things someone can do to harm you (this is my opinion so of course you are allowed to feel differently) in a relationship is to leave you when you need them the most and to make you think they fuck with you and they really dont. I had those things happen to me back to back. I really liked this guy and turns out I was alone in that, he was not really fucking with me and that is wild to me cause he DID NOT have to do me like that. That is why men are so dangerous to me. How can you talk down on someone and call them names behind their back to others when you were laid up with them? What does that make you? And further more where are your emotions sir? Like can you teach me that trick?

Then the other thing someone can do is leave when you them the most. That shit is crazy to me. I still think about that. It had to happen because my dumbass wasn’t leaving so he had to do it but wow. Even if he would have stayed as a friend that would have meant a lot especially because apart of my mental anguish was his fault. My world was crashing down on me and he was like this is too much, Imma see you later. You’ll figure it out tough girl. LIKE WHAT? That pain hit different. That pain combined with the loss of some other people that I loved more than life changed my whole perspective on things. That was my breaking point but it was every person that I had lost that year and everything that had been snatched away from me that year that had changed me. That was my rock bottom and I had to build myself back up from there. I lost a best friend last year and I never talk about it but I never would’ve expected it to go down like that. I think about it all the time because god knows how much I love that girl and still do till this day. However, I now feel like people are disposable like everyone. I got into an argument with my mom the other day and we weren’t speaking and I went on with my life. It was at that moment I knew that something inside of me is absolutely different. I love, adore and am obsessed with my mom so when I went those days without her and I didn’t feel the sadness as deep as I normally would I knew something in me had changed.

My mom told me she sees the change in me too and I dont know if its good or bad but its there.

I thought I healed. I really did but the thing about healing is that you have good days and you have bad days and right now I’m having some bad days. Being inside for all these months will really have your demons kicking your ass. I swear. I just want some peace. Just a little bit of peace.