Its been a while but your girl has been busy getting her life together or whatever. You know regular me shit. I own a business now guys, I am an entrepreneur! Congrats to me! So the other day it dawned on me that I would not be here if I didnt get thrown into the fire. I would still be talking about my dreams and goals and all that while working like a slave. I needed that push because I like to have a safety net. Contrary to popular belief, I like to take the safe way out of things and for once in life I didnt. I know my business will do well because I’m passionate about it but ion the flip side Ive learned so much that I am thankful either way.

I remember the way I felt when I took like 10 losses back to back last year. I was like hey god you’re bugging, I wanted that !. Its like he snatched what I thought I wanted away but I had to learn patience because he was just making room to give me bigger, better things. I had to put it in his hands and leave it there, instead of checking every five minutes. This has happened to me so much you would think I would have learned patience but at my big age I finally learned.

I am that choosy person who still chooses the wrong n*ggas. I will be the first to admit it. I wont say they were bad men because they’re gonna be the perfect fit for someone one day just not me. I’m such a simp I always think I’m in love when I really just be in like. Until its over and I think back and I see that there’s no way I was in love.Maybe it was even lust but definitely not love.

If I told you all the times I thought I was in love and I absolutely wasn’t y’all would think I was really dumb. Shit , looking back I think I am actually really dumb. I look back at all those times I really thought I wanted something and didn’t get it and was devastated. Those things really were not for me as bad as I wanted it.

I mean first I thought I was in love with Robinson and although that’s my nigga for life. That wasn’t the kind of love I thought it was. Then came along a lot of crushes but the next time I thought I was in love was in high school with a boy we will refer to as LJ.

LJ was amazing to me. He could sing and I loved that. He was chocolate and he was so sweet. The only problem was me and my best friend Mayra both liked him. So we made a deal and it was to show interest, whoever he wanted won. In retrospect we shoulda both left his ass alone but we didn’t. We were young and dumb.

Unfortunately for me, I was the “winner”. I liked LJ so much. He gave me those butterflies you get when all the common sense drains out of your body. Every single time I get those it ends up ending badly I probably shouldn’t pay attention to them anymore. I got them last year and that didn’t end well either. I’m not sulking or anything (I already did that) so don’t worry guys.

So LJ and I spent a good amount of time together. When he touched me I got goosebumps and when he kissed me I felt electric sparks. It was real storybook shit. I don’t know why but we never had sex, but thank god for that because lord knows I might’ve turned into a psycho. His mom and mine were friends. He knew my family, came over and ate and just spent time with me. When it was time to go away to college he brought all of his favorite childhood stuffed animals and left them at my house for me to watch while he was away. I was heartbroken! I missed my baby.

Then as college days went by we talked less because he was busy. He came back to visit and to my surprise I find out he has a baby on the way. He apologizes because an apology is gonna make this shit better. Yeah. Okay. He even goes on to tell me how the girl tried to get an abortion but it didn’t work so now the pregnancy is high risk. I was livid. I couldn’t believe that was his excuse and that he tried to make it better like he wasn’t still having a baby with someone else!

Moral of the story is now they’re married with two kids and we don’t talk at all. Looking back I know I wasn’t the girl for him. His wife is nothing like me and I absolutely wasn’t ready for babies and marriage. I’m still not. My sister said to me “ that shoulda been your baby” and at the time I agreed because I was hurt and heart broken. Looking back, no the fuck it wasn’t. That is and was supposed to be that girls baby. I needed all of these years to grow and learn all of the lessons life has thrown at me. My life would be going in a totally different direction.

If I hadn’t gone through the things that happened to me I wouldn’t be where I am today. I needed to learn self love and forgiveness. I needed to lose my job to have the guts and the heart to start my own business as well as have all this time to dedicate to it the way I am. I needed to go through hard times to learn how to save money and not spend it, like it grows on trees. I needed to get my heart broken to get back to myself and do all of the things I loved before instead of trying to live in that mans skin with him. So when I do meet the love of my life I’ll know how to be in a relationship without losing myself.

Never forget as Al-Shafi’i, a Arabic Muslim writer once said “My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me, and that what misses me was never meant for me”. I only want mine, I don’t want yours so I do the work and wait for what belongs to me to come to me.

Have you guys ever thought you wanted something you lost and ended up in a better position without it ?

3 thoughts on “I HATE IT HERE

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