God you’re my guy and all but sometimes you be doing the MOST ! Like chill out sir take it easy on me please ! It’s like one bad thing can’t happen at a time, all of it happens at once. Almost seems as if it’s a let’s see how much they can handle before they crumble type of deal. Why when I’m mad that’s the only time my belt loop wants to hook on the door ? It don’t do that on no other day but on the day I’m about to lose my shit and my mental health is in shambles that’s when I’m 1 minute late to work, my manager wants to be on my ass and I drop my pumpkin spiced latte . It is at these times when I call my mom and tell her you know how you used to tell me you put me in this world and you can take me out ? Well take me the fuck out cause sis this ain’t it. This is not what I signed up for AT ALL. I actually want a refund. Of what? I’m not sure, maybe like my childhood so I can mess it up totally differently this time.
For a while now I’ve been struggling to hold onto my sanity and life has been treating me like a punching bag. I’ve been taking it like a champ though. Until finally god yelled “ FINISH HER” and it was over from there. You know that saying “the calm before the storm”? That was the end of October. I thought I was getting it together. Then September came and that was the storm. That was hurricane Dorian and I was the Bahamas. September hit me like how hood bitches hit you with a padlock in a sock during a fight. I fought every single day of that month to keep my head above water. I felt when I started to give up and let the depression consume me. I legit felt it and it hurt. My coworkers asked me if I was okay because I was so quiet and I didn’t even notice it but I was truly sad and sinking. Of course the day I’m in my depression deep I get called to the office and I get fired. I felt my heart break. I couldn’t believe it after 3 years of giving my job so much of me they fired me and obviously I can’t discuss the details but they fired me over something I didn’t even do. I own up to my bullshit but this one was unfair. On top of that they let me work all day before they fired me and to add insult to injury they ain’t even pay me for that day.
I left the office and crumbled the tears came hard and fast. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people tell me not to cry because others will see me as weak. NO! My emotions and the fact that I can show them make me strong. I’m emotional not weak, I’ll cry and still beat you up, let’s not ever play ourselves. So of course they told me don’t let them see you cry nah nigga y’all hurt my feelings. See these tears! Feel these tears! Relish in these tears! My feelings are my feelings and they are valid in the wise words of my sister. I cried all the way home for every single loss I’ve taken this month. I cried in the liquor store when I bought a bottle of dusse. I cried in my bed as I felt the will to live drain from my body. I wanted to shrivel up and literally die. I thought about it too, because I was tired, just so tired. To be honest the only thing that saved me was Zay keeping me on the phone giving me a pep talk J can still hear her voice in my head calling me a “strong girl” and Nicole leaving work to come see me so I never got the chance. Nicole is such an amazing friend she cried the same tears I did, she felt the same hurt I did I’ll always remember that. That’s the sad truth thought, they saved my life and you don’t find people who care like that often.
The next 2 days I spent asleep because every Time I woke up I cried. Every single time someone spoke to me and told me I was strong I was gonna get through this I wanted to tell “ HOW YOU KNOW ?”. I sure didn’t feel strong I felt weak and I wanted it to stop. My mom came to visit me because she knew I needed her. She let me cry in her lap and played with my hair like I was a little girl again. I remember she looked at me and said in her little angelic voice “Depressions got you, don’t it, baby?” and she told me not to worry because it’s always been us and it’ll always be us. God bless that lady. She cleaned up and cooked and made me eat. Only talked when I wanted to and brought a sense of peace to my house. Finally one day I got up and started to shake it off so that I could start healing, I went to the gym, my happy place. I felt good and I started to put things into perspective. Now let me tell you I had absolutely NO IDEA what to do next or how I was gonna survive. I prayed. I prayed all day everyday for relief and release from the depression I was in and for clarity as to what I was gonna do. I worked out until my muscles literally hurt and couldn’t take anymore. I took a break and went to my moms house and did so much nothing, it was amazing. My cousin came and I spent time with her.
Slowly but surely I started to get myself out of my depression. I know what I need to do and I promise myself I’ll get it done. This doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days, just the other day I was so hopeless, I felt like a failure and I had to cry it out. That just means I’m still healing and that’s okay. I’m literally taking it a day at a time and trying my hardest to put my trust in god and leave it there. I’m human and we make mistakes so sometimes I try to pick my trust back up and do for myself. God likes a good joke so he humbles my ass real quick. Even through all of that Im here to tell you that it will be okay and losses hurt. They hurt bad but without the pain of the loss you wouldn’t feel the joys of the wins as deeply. I am taking it step by step and day by day and no where near where I want to be. I haven’t forgiven any of the people involved in my firing, there is immense anger and pain associated with every single one of them. I know I have to forgive them before I am fully healed, I’m just not ready yet. One day I will be though and I will see that this was all for a reason. I don’t know where I would be without my support system . My family and my friends have done so much for me and they pick my head up when I put it down. I know not everyone has that so if you need to chat I’m here especially cause I ain’t got a job right now and I don’t have nothing to do. Hahahahahahaha always gotta find the silver lining in life, you know.