They should have a 12 step program for women who cant leave their ain’t shit nigga alone. It’ll be like Alcoholics Anonymous but for stupid b*tches like myself. You gotta introduce yourself like hello my name is Taylor and I am a dumbass. I swear this shit is a mental illness and we need to be locked away or given shock therapy or something! At this point I think maybe I’m testing myself to see just how much I can take before I go insane because honestly what in the actual f*ck am I doing? I know the man is playing with me and Im still sitting around like I’m this years 2k.
If this post doesn’t apply to you then you, my dear, are lucky and I hope to one day have your type of self control. If this post does apply to you then you’re a dumbass and I sympathize because, I too am a dumbass. Only thing is I know that I’m a dumbass and I am a willing participant so let me live, thanks. I have said ” I’m done” so may times and ain’t go no damn where that at this point I know the man thinks I’m just a big lying liar. My friends don’t believe me either they look at me like yeah okay sis. As a matter of fact when he hurt my heart the last time and I was like ” I AM DONE! I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE! I HATE MEN! IM NEVER TALKING TO HIM OR ANOTHER MAN EVER AGAIN!” and I took him back I couldn’t even tell them I just had to slide it into random conversation one day like let me tell you what this nigga said. They weren’t even surprised because my b*tches aren’t judgy and they know what time it is. Sometimes you gotta let people take they man back in peace. For the days I had to hide it I was sickkkkkk. You know how much it hurts to have to be mad by yourself because everyone is tired of hearing about it? OH MY GOD ! That is a different type of hurt. It don’t even hurt no more at that point its just anger. I wanna put sugar in his gas tank and pop his tires and punch myself in the face because who else can I blame now? God and my guardian angel probably looking at me like wasn’t she just in her house crying asking us to take the hurt away? Now look at her right back in the passenger seat of THE HURTS car, smiling mad hard, looking dumb.
I mean I tried blocking him and that worked for a few days but then he called from a different number and told me ” he thought I was stronger than that “. I wish you all could have seen the way I looked at that phone. He literally told me that he thought I could handle more than what he’s put me through because lo and behold he has more for your girl. He wasn’t done yet because then he told me “the only way to get rid of him was to block him on everything and even then we’ll see”. So why after I’ve realized that the man isn’t good for my mental health do I stick around ? Well because everytime I try talking to someone new I cant help but scream in my head ” I HATE ITT HERE AND I WANNA GO HOME”. He has become my home. In a world where women are sucking on cucumbers and men want women to take care of them I don’t know what to expect from these new niggas. I know just what to expect from him. I know what kind of bullshit he is up to when he doesn’t answer my calls and I know just how to push his buttons. To say that it’s just him would be a lie. At first it was but now, nah. Now I’m adding fuel to the fire. I’m not just sitting around crying in my shower no more listening to Jhene Aiko Triggered anymore. Always remember people only do to you what you allow and I’m allowing all of this now.
Now I know at some point I have to get over him because the only way he’s gonna change is if he wants to and at this point he doesn’t want to. Will he ever want to? I don’t know. Am I the one for him? probably not. Is this shit healthy? Absolutely the fuck not. Right now he’s like crack and I’m an addict from Florida. This shit is out of control and majority of the time he does stuff I wanna scream “WHAT WAS THE REASONNNNNNNN” like Cardi B on the love and hip hop reunion. I don’t even get as mad as I used to and that’s kind of scary. I really don’t expect much from him at this point like I expect disappointment so that when he does disappoint I’m not even hurt. You have to treat people the way they treat you and you have to know who you can count on for what.
Ive learned I can only count on myself for my happiness and I feel like I lost myself somewhere and I don’t even know when it happened. I spent some much needed alone time just getting back on track. I wrote so many blogs and wasn’t on social media. I went back to the gym heavy because that’s my happy place and I got to see my bestfriend Jordan who makes my heart literally flutter with happiness. I even went to an event and put the phone down. It was refreshing I haven’t had fun like that in a while where I was completely there with the people around me and I really enjoyed it. Thank you so much for that Zay! I went outside with no makeup on and felt absolutely gorgeous and then Trish told me that I looked gorgeous and she doesn’t even know how great that made me feel. Y’all already know how I feel about Gina’s crazy ass that’s my f*cking guy and I love talking to her, its always jokes and I can always count on her to understand where I’m coming from. I have such amazing people in my life and that’s only touching the surface. Ya girl is a hot mess and I know I’m a lot to handle but that’s what my friends got two hands for so to every single person from lil tee, Nicole “Dutty Gyal” Harris to Rah and Justice and every one in between. I appreciate and love you so much.
Always remember hot girls and boys never expect YOU from other people, Lowell used to tell me this all the time but I never listened until now. I finally got it though && It has brought so much peace to my life and really that’s what I think we all want from life. I’m not saying I have all the keys to success because I damn sure don’t. Life comes at you fast and I’m trying to deal with it all and pick up the pieces still but alone time is definitely a necessity. I used to think Zay was crazy when she used to take breaks from people but I realized that she was actually a genius! I realized you need alone time and that what I was actually doing was being selfish because I wanted her around to talk to because she made me happy. When in fact I need to be the creator of my own happiness. If you’re not happy alone then you cant be happy with anyone else be it friend or significant other. You must take that alone time to heal because it is the absolute truth that hurt people end up hurting people. I’m not saying its gonna be easy or that it happens overnight because it doesn’t but I will say that it’s worth it. You’re worth it. Long story short dont be a dumb bitch anymore.