I know! I know! I’m supposed to write a post every week and I’ve been slacking big time but we also aren’t supposed to be having sex before marriage and y’all still do that so obviously we don’t always follow the rules but I’m back so don’t worry. Life has just been out of control lately and I had to get it together really quick, its not all the way together but I have faith I’ll be where I need to be soon. Anyways this post is honestly one that I’ve wanted to write for a long time like even before I became a blogger I just was never ready to really write it. Let me tell y’all I am as ready as I’ll ever be and I don’t know what has shifted in the universe but whatever it is I like it. Now we all know my whole purpose in my writing is to be as open and honest as I can be in hopes that somebody reading will gain some type of lesson or at least a laugh from my writing and I’m really hoping that this one can help someone.
So let’s get through the sad but real stuff first. The first time I thought about suicide was in middle school. I hated everything about middle school. I used to love Fridays because it meant two days away from school and I used to cry and have an attitude all day on Sundays because it meant that I went back to school the next day. School was my personal hell and there was a combination of reasons why. I never had a lot of self confidence and at certain parts of my life I hated everything about myself from my hair to my body and even to my personality. I always admired people who made friends easily and those who had a lot of friends because I didn’t. In middle school I had maybe two friends and everybody else I was just trying to fit in with. I literally had no idea who I was and I know that caused me to try and be everybody I admired all at once which probably made people not want to hang out with me. Not to mention that I was awkward as hell and my mom had me nineteen years after she had my sister at forty-two years old she was not up on the latest fashion so I was not that fresh fly kid.
In fact, I had no idea what I was doing with anything and was all over the place. I didn’t know what to do with my hair. I have always had super curly hair but before I went natural as an adult and got a grip on it, I had gotten a just for me kids relaxer and childdddddd let me tell you how that was not it. I had so much hair that it actually didn’t relax all of it, so my hair was like puffy, curly and straight all at the same time, it was a mess. Not to mention this was the time of our mothers putting hair grease in our hair like they got that ish for free. My hair was greasier than Mcdonald’s fries. I remember the kids in school playing truth or dare and they dared this boy to touch my hair. I remember being disgusted with myself and thinking like why would that ever be a dare? What is so wrong with my hair? I hated my hair and I spent another night locked in my bathroom with my favorite thing, the razor blade. I discovered cutting myself, causing myself pain made me feel better, the irony. I started off small because I was afraid but as time went on I went straight for it and the cuts got deeper and closer and closer to my wrist.
Another time I had an extra notebook and the girls I so desperately wanted to be friends with started a burn book with my notebook. I was ecstatic because I thought finally I was going to be apart of their crew untilllll they wouldn’t give me the notebook back because they had put me in it. They used my notebook to make a burn book and put me in it, the audacityyyyyy of it alllll. I was heartbroken to say the least and you guessed it another night in the bathroom. I just desperately wanted to know what they wrote in that notebook . I almost drove myself crazy thinking about what they could have written . A million thoughts whirled through my head ” they probably wrote that i was fat , or ugly or weird and they wouldn’t be wrong ” . This was the mind frame that i was in at the time . I mean to this day i still have body dysmorphia issues that I’m dealing with but listening to podcasts like Wine Down Wednesdays ( Hey Lex_P && Drea 🤗) && learning that other women go through this same thing have definitely helped me 1000% . Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see Beyoncé && sometimes I look in the mirror and see Rasputia from Norbit , the key is to have more Beyoncé days than Rasputia days.
Now I have forgiven all of these people and they probably don’t even remember these things. They probably didn’t know that I would go home and break down the way I did. I mean how could they know that I hated myself and these little things just caused me to hate myself more? Kids are mean and we see it today in the news with kids being bullied and killing themselves over it. I’m so glad I never succeeded because I have so much stuff that I need to get done and I have so much love and advice left to give people. I have so much more life left to live that I think its amazing that at one point and time I couldn’t stand to even be here. I remember seeing people and thinking how do they walk around with so much confidence. I used to wish and pray for self love and self confidence. Then I realized every timesomething bad would happen the internal dialogue that I would use with myself was so negative that I would never get anything positive from it. If every time something bad happens and I tell myself “it’s because you’re stupid and you don’t deserve good things and you’re not as beautiful as the other girls” then how would I be able to learn self love. I had to start by changing my internal dialogue and using positive affirmations. I started saying things like “you are that bitch, you are smart, you deserve great things”. I get dressed up and go out and take pictures and I would look at them and gush over myself. If I don’t do it who will?
I didn’t notice when things started to change but its been a long time coming. The more I allow myself to be myself, the better I feel. I cut off all of the relaxed hair out of my head and often wear my hair in its natural state, something I would be ashamed to do years ago. Although this may seem like a little thing to others this is a huge thing for me. I have pictures of me on social media with damn near a dark Caesar. The girl who hated her hair wearing her natural curls and in their awkward big chop state and feeling sexier and more beautiful than ever who would have thought it. I don’t try to fit in because I don’t care about that anymore. I have a collection of women and men who have been my friends for years and love me despite all of my flaws. So I’ve learned that the ones I needed were there all along and would come to me and stick around without me having to try.
Its funny because I honestly believe that a large part of my confidence began when I was a pole princess. You at least had to fake the confidence. I mean who wants to tip a stripper who ain’t got no confidence to shake what she makes that dollar with? Once I realized I was that bitch things just started falling into place. I gained more confidence to not let others take advantage of me. I gained more confidence and started taking my life into my own hands. I shot my shot and bagged a young man who is probably the bougiest man I have ever spoken to in my life, like that man don’t give out dick he gives you diqué. The little things like that make you feel on top of the world. When you have confidence people can see it and feel it, I even get told by people that I’m glowing and it just seems like its internal. I wake up in the morning feeling like I am untouchable now. I really think I’m that b*tch and I see nothing wrong with it because baby who gonna love me if I don’t? If I don’t set the standard who is going to do it? There will be no more walking into rooms with my eyes on the ground I’m walking in like I own it no matter who’s in that room . I promise to treat myself like the Queen I am. So if you haven’t already started those daily positive affirmations and began your own journey of self confidence and self love , what are you waiting for ?