I wish I could tell you guys that I lost my virginity in some super classy way and that it was a fairytale and it was super romantic but then I would be lying. It was GHETTO. Honestly, something that you would find in the amateur section on xvideos or tastyblacks to be honest. When I have kids I am definitely fabricating a lie because there is no way in hell that Im gonna tell them the actual story. That just ain’t it. Do I regret it? Nah but that’s only because one of my rules of life is No Regrets Only Lessons Learned. At this point in my life I think back to this story and I laugh because that’s all I can do now. I can’t take it back but I can make sure it never happens again.
I was never an angel growing up, I was more outspoken than anything else. I was a smart kid and I knew it so I used that to my advantage. My elementary school best friend loved boys and I seriously thought they had cooties. I thought boys were gross welllllll all except for Robinson because I loved him or so I thought. I had the biggest crush on Robinson for as long as I could remember. He was a bad boy and he just gave me butterflies. We literally lived in the same house and the boy paid me absolutely no mind. That is until I moved out of the neighborhood and came back to visit a bad bitch or so i thought. In actuality all I did was go through puberty and got some body but I bet you he could smell the lack of self confidence on my breath. I will be woman enough to admit that as a young girl and even a young woman I had absolutely no self confidence. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until I became a dancer that I learned about self love and self confidence, odd I know. So when I came back to my old stomping grounds and Robinson started showing interest in me I was ecstatic. My poor young, innocent self .
Up until high school I had literally no sexual experience and when I got to high school I felt like I needed to learn and fast. It seems as though everybody else had had a boyfriend but not me. I was too scared that my mom would find out. As a matter of fact, I’m lying, I had been in one relationship in middle school with a boy from the special ed class it lasted a solid 22 hours . I remember walking in the house that day and thinking my mom knew I had a boyfriend. I had the biggest lump in my throat, I decided to just pretend that I never said I would be his girlfriend and I hid from him for like a year. Which is funny because when I wanna stop talking to somebody today I ignore them the same way. A conversation for another day.
In high school before I actually lost my virginity I had only hung out with one boy romantically, his name was Kashaun. I was 15 and I went to his house. I had never done anything like that before I wasn’t in the habit of going to boy’s houses. I talked to them on AIM but to actually go their house , Nahhhhh. SO. I. WAS. TERRIFIED. He had the free crib and I went but it didn’t feel right plussssss he had a girlfriend. Ooooooooooh Scandalousssss. I left Kashaun’s house that day still a virgin but I had now seen my first penis in real life. I was now a grown ass woman, well in my head at least. So when Robinson asked me when I was gonna give him my virginity I told him when I turned 16 because as bad as I was crushing on him for all these years I was terrified and I needed time to process it all.
It was February 2009 and Robinson was ready, he wasn’t trying to wait any longer. I had been 16 for months now so what was I waiting for? I set up a date to meet him during the second weekend of February because that’s around Valentine’s Day and that’s ROMANTICCCCCCC! Now the hard part I had to get my lie together for my mom so I could go out and get my shit punched (as my friend Chris Hooper so lovingly puts it). After days of thinking long and hard I decided I was gonna tell my mom I was going to a college fair. I still had pamphlets in my book bag from the last one I went to, it was the perfect lie, except my mom could read right through me.
So the day comes and I’m nottttt ready but I promised so its time to ante up. I get on the bus and I get to the designated meet up spot and call Robinson. He comes and picks me up and he takes me to his friend Peter’s house because when you lose your virginity you wanna do it in your boo’s friends house. We go up to his room and he starts playing music but not like romantic sexy you bout to get this bomb d music more like shoot em up bang bang music so that shoulda been my first sign to go home, but I didn’t. We get in bed and it goes from kissing to naked to condom on to poking me like sir calm down I’m a virginnnnnn. That’s my next warning sign but again I ignored that and still stayed. We finally get to business after all of the first time sex pain and I remember thinking, this cannot be what the girls in school talk about! This is not fun!! Now here is the kicker, the best part of it all Robinson’s friend comes into the room whileeee we are having sex and starts playing beats and then THEY STARTED TO RAP! Y’ALL THEY STARTED TO RAP! Like they were taking turns and they were spitting bars and now when I think about it I laugh so hard because whattttttt is wrong with me that I didn’t go the hell home? Like whats’s my dealllll? Plus, on top of that they were not good rappers so that’s just adding insult to injury. On the bright side he was such a gentleman that he walked with me to the bus and waited with me until it came.
I remember thinking that I was a woman. I walked in my house like that bitch until my mother calmly humbled my ass. She said she knew that I lied and didn’t go to any college fair and beat my ass, took my phone and grounded me. She was sooooooo disappointed in me and I truly believe she was more disappointed than she was mad.
In my Caribbean household sex was never discussed, the word was never said. My mom dated my father, got married and had kids. That’s the only man she’s ever been with even though my dad is a complete and utter whore. She probably never got a sex talk either and didn’t know how to give one. As a matter of fact she made my sister buy me that book “ Our bodies, Ourselves” and she tried to give me what was supposed to be a sex talk. I ran and hid in the bathroom before it even started because as a teenager I always thought they just didn’t want me to have fun. I can’t even front like a sex talk would have made a difference because I’ve always been a learn from my own experience type of person. One of my worst and best habits is my Imma do what I wanna do attitude. I’m currently working on figuring out when to use it and when to store it for later, a work in progress nonetheless.