I saw this meme the other day. It was of a girl sleeping soundly and the heading was “how I sleep knowing that the lord has watched everything men have done to me and they’re all gonna burn in hell“. I felt this on a spiritual level, okurrrrrr. Until I realized that I ain’t shit either. I haven’t always been a blessing in every guy or even every person’s life I’ve touched sometimes I was more of a lesson to put it nicely. I think everyone can relate to being a liability instead of an asset in someone’s life at least once unless of course you’re completely out of touch with reality and think you’re gods gift to the universe.
I think I always knew I wasn’t shit but I just didn’t admit it to myself for a long time. That is until I started taking complete responsibility for the problems I have caused myself and others. This was a longggg hardddd process. Whew Chile, self love and growth is a hard messy process. I wish someone would have told me that s.hit. I probably wouldn’t have listened though. I’m the kind of person who likes to touch fire to make sure it’s hot instead of listening to someone warn me that it’s hot.
Let me tell y’all how I figured out I aint shit though. So what had happened was , I met a boy that we’re just gonna call Prince Charming. He was tall, dark and Haitian which is justtttt how I like them (cause that’s worked out so well all my life*rolls eyes*). I have to say I didn’t really expect it to go how it did. I didn’t expect to like him the way that I did but I fucked with him hardddd. We spent a lot of time together and he even put my ikea dresser together while I took a nap which if y’all ever put anything from ikea together you know that shit is hard as fuck. When I said I wanted to go out on a date he would take me. Not to mention he gave me the most bestestttttt head of my whole entire existence . So whichever woman who gets him just know your life is about to be changed sis and you’re about to get a great man with a great tongue.
I have never been in a relationship. I am 25 years old and have never had a real boyfriend. Yes I know thats some sad shit right there but its my truth and Im gonna live in it. One reason is commitment scares me and as soon as someone is close to being my significant other I gotta blast. As I get older I find that I am getting more and more comfortable with the idea of being with someone exclusively, though.
So needless to say, while talking to Prince Charming I kept my options open. I was talking to other guys because I find that as soon as I give one the chance and start to focus on him more he starts doing dumb shit and I am absolutely terrified of having my heart broken. So when I decided to pay the most attention to Prince Charming its no surprise that he starts to do dumb shit. I asked him to hang out and he told me he was busy. The texts and calls were few and far between. I felt like I was begging and Taylor Marie never begs , Hoekayyyyy. So I put my guard back up. I turned on my protection mode and gathered all my hoes back up from up off the floor. I never thought to myself that maybe it was karma for the fact that I had done the same ass thing to him. I had dubbed him because I was chasing someone else and I wasn’t responding to messages and I wasn’t answering phone calls. So how could I be mad ? I don’t know but I was. I never thought maybe I should stick around and give it a chance because thats what you do when you really like someone .
It all went left when I went on a mini vacation with a friend of mine and I met up with one of Prince Charmings bestfriends. Which now that I think about it was a horrible, horrible idea but I did it. It was a group of about four guys and me and my friend. We all went to dinner and it was cool. We did shots a lot of shots of tequila. Then one thing led to another and let me tell y’all what happens on vacation, definitely does stay on vacation unless you have sex with someone your boo knows while his best friend is there. In that case it does not stay on vacation and your boo will find out and hate you forever. That was not my proudest moment and in fact it was one of the dumbest things I have ever done and I have indeed done some dumb shit.
I ruined any chances of that relationship thriving and Im pretty sure Prince Charming thinks I’m the dumbest thot there ever was. I have to say I don’t blame him. I did to him what guys have done to me in the past. I was in no way, shape or form a positive influence in his life and I fucked up. Prince Charming is an amazing guy and I hope that I didn’t ruin him for the next girl he encounters. I hope that the next person he encounters is loyal and caring and smart and supportive and all the good things that he deserves.
I learned the things I needed to work on as a person from this whole ordeal. I realized that when I mess up I need to woman up and be accountable for my actions. I also realized I cannot take out the anger or pain people in the past have caused me on the people who I am currently dealing with. I haven’t perfected it all yet but I am working on it.